I contemplate asking him about the broken
Links;
The endless gap in between.
I wish to peruse the truth
Out from where it lies dormant; torn.
His manuscript of life is held up as stark
Evidence before my eyes
Yet it is nothing without my belief.
Roads all lead to paradise,
Inward thoughts and souls creep.
Holding up a mirror for me
He orders to inspect what I see and
Cut off anything unsightly.
Temples collapse as I raise the blade.
Curtains open as I cut deep.
Flowing glory for the three.
Futures emptied to occupy the body of
The only one to see who I am.
Testing over and over and over
Until I am everything he hoped.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really like the first stanza, especially how you put links on a separate line. The last line of that stanza is great, too. I think you use good rhyming in the third stanza. The last stanza, I think would sound better if the last two lines were changed slightly:
Testing over and over until
I am everything he had hoped.
The three overs sounded like too many. Also - Flowing glory for the three...the three what? Did you mean free? This confused me a little. Aside from that, very good work. I am looking forward to hearing more from you.
Hi Jack!
Welcome to the YWS! Glad to have you around.
Now onto the poem...
I actually really like this! It shows some definite potential and often times that's hard to find anymore. It's very deep and it's very open...who is this man who is controlling the narrator? Why must he impress him? It's all left up to the reader to decipher and that is wonderful!
I do have a few suggestions though:
"Links" on the second like is out of place. I would either leave it on the first line or split the first line into two evenly. It would be okay if this process of the one word second line was repeated, but it's not so it's just awkward.
There needs to be some kind of punctuation at the end of L2 here...comma, semicolon, hyphen...something.
I don't know which way you mean this. Do the roads lead to all three things: paradise, inward thoughts, and souls creep? If so, "souls creep" doesn't work. If they are too seperate thoughts: "lead to paradise" and both "inward thoughts and souls creep" then there needs to be a semicolon or hyphen after paradise instead of a comma.
This is my least favorite stanza...though I don't really know why. It just doesn't flow like all the others do...it's a hard flow. I like the meaning on the end, but try to mimic the others a little as you go.
Again, I really liked this! Bravo!
Giving "links" its own paragraph was distracting because it didn't match the rest of the poem. "Out from where" is a little clumsy, as if there are too many linking words together.
You're a talented poet-- let me know when you post some more work, okay?
Otherwise, I have no critiques. Your poetry is soulful and subtle, and judging by it, you should definitely join the debate forum.
Cheers!
~Shafter